A transcript of the new answering service
recently installed at
the Mental Health institute.

Hello,  and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the 
   line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the 
   mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell 
   you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press: 
   no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a 
   representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phonenumber, 
   date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or 
   before the beep. Or after the beep.  Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory 
   loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have 
   short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem.  Please hang up. All our operators are too 
   busy to talk to you.